Friday, December 19, 2008

Dear Santa

Charles here, with a special insider’s look at my letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I realize that you are a busy man so I’ll skip all the details about why I deserve to be rewarded this holiday season* and jump right into my list of demands.
I would like,

● a definitive answer – does my character say “I lit a cigarette” or “I lighted a cigarette”? Or should I just make him quit smoking?
● a single word for that ‘tsk’ sound you make with your tongue and teeth to show displeasure.
● a reason why authors include first-person sex scenes in their novels. I blush when I read them, not because of the sex but because they are so poorly written, falling in somewhere between a sweaty Letter to Penthouse Forum and a high school locker room tale.
● the name of a local doctor that will prescribe Ritalin, no questions asked. I’ve been reading a great deal about cognitive enhancement (think Enzyte for brain) and I would like to do a little self-experimentation.
● the self-discipline to keep track of all my characters’ details in a character bible so I don’t have to go back and try to remember if some walk-on character was allergic to fish.
● that break-through idea that will finally link traditional book publishing and free Internet content in one profitable package. I know there’s a way to do it but I haven’t solved it yet.
● Oprah’s home phone number.
● a book blurb from Jesus: “When it comes to miraculously great plotting and divine writing, I stand in Benoit’s shadow.” Or something like that.
● one universally agreed upon word to replace the clunky phrase “he or she.” Also one for “his or hers.” We can fake putting a man on the moon but we can’t we solve this ridiculous grammar conundrum?

A short list, yes, especially as I deserve so much, but I would even swap all of the above items for this: More time to write.

Since we don’t put up a tree, feel free to leave the following on the bar. And I would advise you not to pass me by again this year as I know where you live.

Cheers,
Charles

*Details available by request.

2 comments:

Donis Casey said...

The character bible is worth every bit of trouble it takes, especially when your brain gets full from all the living you've done.
I actually considered writing to the Pope for a blurb for my first book. Didn't happen though. If you get through to Jesus, will you introduce us?

Rick Blechta said...

For my third book, Cemetery of the Nameless, I actually did get a blurb from the Pope, but it was so riddled with clich├ęs, I decided not to use it. I mean, "the greatest thing since sliced bread"? C'mon! This guy can do better than that!! I asked His Holiness to dig a little deeper and never heard back from him.