Friday, June 18, 2021

Backtracking

What a strange week. I'm picking up on the rather dismal tone Rick took in his post. My writing (or lack of writing) wasn't effected, but it's been one stumbling block after another. Little things that should have gone smoothly required unnecessary intervention on my part. 

For instance, my pharmacist delayed a prescription because he was sure I would want a 90 day supply rather than 30. Nope. Fill as directed.

Repeated trip to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. Unnecessary.

 The grocery store forgot to pack the Papyrus birthday card I had purchased. It was a fancy one, too. Just right. I had to make a special trip back to the store to pick it up from customer service. Now it will be sent late. 

Repeated trip to the grocery store. Unnecessary. 

UPS misdelivered my order to the wrong house. It was a file cabinet. No small thing. Luckily I have a hand dolly. I hauled it home, grumbling all the way. The house numbers in my little enclave are quite large and legible, so I didn't understand how he could have gotten this wrong.

Repeated trip to the neighbors. Unnecessary.

My favorite conference, Western Writers of America, started Wednesday. It's at Loveland, just 16 miles from my home. Naturally I'm not staying at the hotel, but have ended up running back and forth. I participated in a Sisters In Crime interview the morning the conference began, had a medical appointment in the afternoon, and flew down I-25 to get to the registration desk in time to pick up my material.

The climax will be the Spur banquet Saturday night. My good friends, Kathleen O'Neal Gear and W. Michael Gear, will receive the Wister award, in recognition of a lifetime of contributions. 

We had an excellent panel this afternoon, but I had a hard time hearing all the conversations because a number of persons in the audience spoke from the floor and added their comments. The topic was "Who Owns History?" Talk about a heated discussion! I'll go into the issues involved later. 

I intended to make this a super blog with pictures from the conference, but I haven't taken very many. I will get to it tomorrow. We have will have a busy day with a number of panels. 

There were unexpected problems with the food at the hotel. There wasn't any. No internal cafe. None. No dining room and no coffee shop, no room service, and no fast food within walking distance. 

Repeated trips to cafes. Unnecessary.

But oh the joy of seeing old friends! I will put up with any number of strange weeks for the privilege of seeing Irene and Bob Brown year after year. Irene has written many wonderful books for both children and adults. I always come away from this conference inspired to be more productive. 

So here's to conferences and the psychological boost they provide. .  


Wednesday, June 16, 2021

CCWC 2021 Recap

 

I spent last Saturday attending the California Crime Writers Conference - Pandemic Edition. CCWC is a joint effort of the Los Angeles Chapter of Sisters in Crime and the SoCal chapter of Mystery Writers of America. It’s held every other year and is usually a two day event. The pandemic turned this year’s into a one-day virtual event via Zoom. All of the presentations were recorded except for one. They should be available on the ccwconference.org website sometime in the next few weeks.

Past conferences were two-day events with around 200 attendees. In a normal year, there are 4 panels going at a time. I recapped the 2017 Conference here on Type M. You can read about it here to get a sense of what a normal year looks like.

Even though we couldn’t get together in person, the virtual event was still a lot of fun. There was a variety of things, all interesting in their own ways. We had a fifteen minute break between events.

The first panel at 9 a.m. was The Exquisite Joy of Finding Out: How to Research Your Novel. SinC/LA President Anne Louise Bannon moderated. Panelists were Anne Perry, Jeffery Deaver, Naomi Hirahara and S.A. Crosby. Panelists talked about researching for both contemporary and historical stories. YouTube was mentioned, which I admit I’ve gotten a lot of useful information from. Newspapers.com was mentioned for online access to newspapers from the 1700s to 2000s. Jeffery Deaver also mentioned he used Natural Reader to read chapters of his WIP to him. I'm going to check this one out myself.

The next panel was Some Like It Hot: Adding Romance and Sex to Your Mysteries. Paula Bernstein moderated with Victoria Thompson, Deborah Crombie, Toby Neal and Pamela Samuels Young as panelists. I missed about 5 minutes of this one because my laptop decided it wanted to reboot itself during it.

Then came Police Procedurals 2021: Social Justice and the Pandemic. SoCal MWA President Jessica Kaye moderated with panelists Rachel Howzell Hall, Faye Snowden, Ausma Khan and Isabella Maldonado.

Next was the presentation that I was most interested in (and the only one that was not recorded): Identification of the Buckskin Girl: Forensic Genealogy and Cold Case Resolution presented by Elizabeth A. Murray. She is a forensic anthropologist and college professor. You may know her name from several books she’s written or the two Great Courses series she’s done: Trails of Evidence and Forensic History

In this presentation she talked about how they identified a body found in 1981 many years later through the use of genetic genealogy. I’m used to hearing about using this method to identify perpetrators of crimes, but this was a nice reminder that it can also be used to identify victims. In 1981, they had fingerprints, a photo of the face of the deceased, dental charts and autopsy results. Over the years, efforts had been made to identify her, even using palynology (analysis of pollen) to see if they could link her to a specific area. It was a very interesting presentation on how they finally identified her 37 years later.

The last presentation was Publishing in a Pandemic: A Glimpse of the Future Opportunities & Challenges with Jane Friedman. Jane Friedman talked about the state of the publishing world. How books sales dramatically increased during the pandemic and so many other things. She also talked about Kindle Vella, a way to publish serialized stories. It’s going live for readers in the summer. They don't take rights for this, but an author can't use Vella to publish a work that has been published as a book. This is one I hadn't heard about.


That’s my very short recap of the conference. The videos should be available for you to view soon. This year’s conference was fun, but I’m looking forward to an in-person conference next time around in 2023.

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Trepidation

By Rick Blechta

Well, my wife and I got our second vaccination last week — which is the reason I missed my Tuesday spot here — so life should be all rosy now, shouldn’t it? Pre-pandemic freedom should be beckoning at every turn, right?

Somehow it isn’t.

Maybe something has changed in me due to what we’ve been through over the past year-and-a-half. I don’t feel any less free, and since getting the second vaccination, I’ve been having really bad dreams. You know, the kind where you’re supposed to be someplace and you just can’t get there, or your house is crumbling around you and you can’t do anything to stop it.

As for writing, I had to throw out a whole chapter the other day because I got off on this tangent that seemed too grim, too filled with angst to be included in my story. I don’t want it to go there.

It’s troubling and I’m hoping that this is just temporary. Maybe my subconscious is worried about our new reality or possibly this is all due to my concern about those near and dear to me who haven’t yet been fully vaccinated. 

To all of you out there: are you experiencing the same sort of thing? If you’re an ink-stained wretch like me, are you having issues with your plots unexpectedly taking dark turns?

And if you have experienced this, did you eventually snap out of it?

Monday, June 14, 2021

Writing in Paradise...Usually


 I’ve enjoyed some of the blogs here on Type M that detail locations where our fellow bloggers like to write and some of their writing habits.  As many of you know, I live on the coast of North Carolina.  We have a house on Bogue Banks Island, which is a barrier island south of the Outer Banks.

It sounds exotic—saying I live on an island.  It’s about twenty-one miles long and at its narrowest point, you can see both the ocean on one side of the island and Bogue Sound on the other. It’s a vacation destination with thousands of vacation homes, about ten hotels, and fabulous restaurants, boutique shops, and stores where you can buy anything from swimming suits to fishing tackle. 

In the “off season”, late autumn, winter, and early spring, it’s very quiet here.  There are times you can walk the beach and not see another soul.  That’s when I enjoy this island the most.  

But this is June and while it’s not yet officially summer, we are inundated with tourists.  The restaurants all have long lines, the grocery stores are overcrowded, and the roads are clogged with people trying to find their way around. 

I’m not complaining because this is when businesses here on the coast make their money.  Our county has a year-round population of slightly less than seventy-thousand people.  During the “season”, that grows to over two-hundred and fifty thousand people.  It can put a strain on infrastructure and that includes the internet.

Think of it as a pipeline from one end of the island to the other.  During the “off season” demand isn’t particularly stressful.  But when we have two-hundred thousand people out here, all downloading Netflix or playing World of Warcraft, that internet pipeline clogs up quickly.

Case in point, my publisher has re-released my first book Random Road. Our publicist arranged to have a Zoom interview with me and Barbara Peters from the Poisoned Pen Bookstore.  Full disclosure, Barbara has been one of the editors on all of my Geneva Chase mysteries.  

She told me that the interview would go anywhere from a half-hour to an hour, depending on how well it went.  

It was awful.

The internet kept dropping the Zoom connection.  She’d ask a question or make a commentary to which I’d start to answer and about halfway through, my screen would freeze.  The only way to get back in was to start the process over…every damned time.  Once, when I popped back onto the interview, I held up a glass of wine and said, “I’m turning this into a drinking game.  Every time I drop out, I take a drink.”

Barbara grinned at me, held up her own glass of wine and said, “Way ahead of you, kiddo.”

Unfortunately, the connection did not get any better.  Needless to say, the interview was over at a half hour.  Blessedly.

But all in all, this is a lovely place to work.  My home office has a window overlooking our front lawn. If I feel like a stroll, the ocean is a few minutes from the house.  

And now, I must get back to my WIP.  I have a July first deadline for my fifth adventure with Geneva Chase, and yet again, I’m putting the poor woman through hell. 

Friday, June 11, 2021

Waking Early and Writing More?

 I am normally not a fan of summer mornings. They come too soon and they are too bright. For years, I have been closing the blinds and the curtains and trying to sleep in. But this year, I have been sleeping in a bedroom that receives early morning light because that is the larger of the two bedrooms in my house and that was where I set up his portable enclosure with his bed inside when my new puppy, then not yet three months old, arrived from Maryland. He is now seven months old and a good sleeper. But he likes to know where I am before he goes to bed. So does Penelope, the cat from "down South," who joined us a couple of months ago.


Penelope now strolls in and claims the foot of my bed as soon as she sees where Fergus and I are headed. 

Fergus is an early riser. He wakes up at around 6:30 am most mornings. This means I wake up, too. Having a puppy has forced me to change my sleep patterns. I believe I am still a "night owl" but now I am up and outside when the air is still so fresh that Fergus sits there sniffing. We hear the doves cooing. And despite myself I have found myself enjoying being awake -- even feeling smug and virtuous because I have started the day when some people are hitting their snooze button. Last night, I even anticipated being up early by heading to bed at a little after eleven. 

Being up early has also changed my writing habits. Instead of staggering to my desk to write, I am sitting down wide-awake after rising early and taking Fergus to doggie daycare. Since I need to pick him up by 6 pm, I am much more focused. I know that I need to get as much done as possible because when he gets home, he may still be full of energy and zooming through the house. I am falling into the habit of taking him for a walk after daycare. This makes for a calmer evening.  

Having no children, I am experiencing that discipline that writers with children talk about needing if they are to get anything done. This is a new experience for me because I have always been haphazard. I don't set word quotas. I have never written every day. I have thought through my plots and set down to write in long chunks of time. With Harry, my lovely Maine Coon, no animal-related adjustments were necessary. Harry was my night-owl pal, who enjoyed sleeping in as much as I did. 

But dear Harry is gone, and I am now in another animal universe. Not to say that I don't love Fergus and Penelope, but I didn't anticipate how much their sleeping habits would affect mine. Nor did I give a lot of thought to how much my writing habits would change of necessity. 

It is possible that having to structure my summer days in this new way will make me more productive. I'll let you know this September. 


Wednesday, June 09, 2021

Best laid plans

 A writer's day is always fragmented. Time spent procrastinating on social media and more spent figuring out how to promote on social media, time spent staring into space supposedly thinking where on earth the work in progress should go next, time spent responding to the latest demand from the publisher related to another book in final proofs (this latest a "dear reader" letter to accompany the ARCs), time writing this bi-weekly blog, and time reading another author's manuscript for a blurb. If I'm lucky, I have time to walk the dogs and talk to my friends and family.

Don't you love it when people ask "How's retirement?"

So this week started off with great intentions to get all of the above done, especially the things with deadlines. I had arrived at the cottage in late afternoon, planning to cook two lovely little beef tenderloins for myself and my sister, who was joining me for the week. Then we would sit on the dock to enjoy the sunset over the lake, share some wine, and then I would retire inside to continue reading the blurb book. 

I had the table set and the food all prepped, and was down on the dock having a swim and enjoying a beer while waiting for my sister to arrive, when my dog Kenzie took off up the hill, barking furiously. By the time I got to him, he was in full tussle with a porcupine. Those of you with dogs know that the dog almost never wins. But my dog was determined, and by the time I had got him corralled and leashed, he had probably 100 quills or more in his snout and face.

This can mean a very expensive and time-consuming trip to the Kingston emergency vet hospital an hour away, which I've done with previous dogs and wanted to avoid. So I got him up on the dining table and spent some time trying to pull them out with pliers. It took a while and an increasingly frantic dog to realize this was never going to work. So I phoned the vet to alert them, phoned my sister to tell her to fend for herself when she arrived, and piled the dog into the car. I had to tie him to the back seat to prevent him climbing in front and scratching me.

The sunset, what I could see of it from the car, was spectacular. Possible the most beautiful of the summer so far. I stopped to take this photo, which really doesn't do it justice. The sky was on fire.



An hour and a half later, after some confusion about the hospital's location, I was waiting in my car in line to be seen. Kenzie was apparently the third "quill dog" the vet was seeing that night.  So we had another hour and a half wait and they finally took him in at 11:30 pm. I had meanwhile grabbed a take-out fast food burrito, while thinking fondly of the steak I had planned. 

The vet returned my de-quilled, slightly wobbly dog to me at 12:30 am and we began our return trip to the cottage along the dark and deserted highway. I arrived at 1:30 am, tried to persuade the dog to take his pain med with a little food (he was having none of it) and finally stumbled into bed.

Not quite the day I had planned. And all those things on my to-do list are still there, except this blog, which is thankfully done!


Monday, June 07, 2021

Self promotion, buttock-clenching and shark jumping

Last week, bound proofs of my latest title began to head into the wild. The actual book isn't hitting the stands until August here in the UK but obviously both the publishers and I want to generate what heat we can both ahead of time and around publication. There is so much reading matter out there that I believe we have to scream, scratch and scramble to get even a little attention.

In a display of shameless self-promotion, here is the advance proof alongside its series running mates.



Naturally, I am nervous. I always am when a book leaves the confines of my mind and the fingers of my editors. What readers think really matters - will it be met favourably or will it be dismissed as a waste of paper and ink?

Time will tell.

What I will say is that I am proud of it. I have done the very best I could. I did what I set out to do, told the story I wanted, developed Rebecca Connolly's character the way I wanted.

That doesn't mean everyone will agree.

Nobody can predict how their book will be received. There are authors who are super confident,  so certain that they have written an absolute belter that they don't lose a moment's sleep. There are, naturally, authors who are so successful and beloved that they could release their groceries list and be met with heaps of praise and prizes. And groceries, probably.

Then there are authors like me who still wait for someone to say that it was all a mistake, that they never meant to give you a contract, let alone money, which they want back, by the way. 

When I say this to friends they laugh - oh, how they mock - and say I've never produced a book yet that was really badly received. I've had some bad reviews, obviously, and poor little Janus Run never did find its feet but overall I've been very lucky. 

The fact is, we are all capable of producing a stinker.

In recent months I have read three books by authors whose work I not only respect but also covet. Frankly, I wish I was as good as them. I'm not going to name them but let me say that none of them are Scottish, so any of my friends reading this needn't look at each other and wonder.

As I say, these are three of my favourite writers. One of the books was well up to standard. Tight, pacy, enthralling. It wasn't simply enjoyable, it was a book to look forward to getting back to. Yeah, it was that good.

The other two?

Well...

One, as they say, jumped the shark completely. In fact, had there been a shark in there for characters to hurdle it might have been more interesting. In my view, the first three quarters of it could have been almost completely ditched, the information delivered in two, maybe three, chapters. The final quarter was, frankly, ludicrous.

The other was too long. Way too long. I mean, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. In fact, there were complete sections I skipped because I realised that it had no impact on the plot or characters. Unfortunately, I feel there was an element of self-indulgence in those chapters.

Now, it has to be pointed out that this is all subjective. What I think is not necessarily what other readers think, although we will come to that. It was obviously not what the authors or, indeed their editors, thought. Because I didn't like them does not make them bad books, far from it. All it means is I didn't like them. And it doesn't make me right!

All three of those authors are super successful and rightly so. Their overall output is something to be admired and praised.

But I wondered about the two who had, on this occasion, disappointed me. What happened?

Are they so successful that they can tell an editor to go take a leap in the ocean and maybe find a large predator to leap over? Because there were things in these particular books that I firmly believe my editor would have suggested I reassess. 

But then, what do I know? These authors sell in the millions all over the world while I, well, don't. However I've had a look at the reviews on line and, though it is a mixed bag, there are a number of readers who share my views.

Will this stop me from reading further works by these authors? No, it won't. They are superb writers and one disappointing book doesn't mean they are limbering up for another go at that great white.

But I do worry that if authors of their skill and magnitude can (in my opinion) produce a couple of stinkers, then any of us can do the same without realising it.

Hence the current buttock-clenching as my new one goes out to early readers!


Friday, June 04, 2021

Seeking Dumbo's Feather


 Lately my fellow Type posters have discussed favorite chairs and writing methods. I definitely have a favorite chair. This is where I read, create first drafts, nap, fret, eat popcorn, cry, read endlessly, and pretty much just live.

This chair accompanied a sectional. It's supposed to be some sort of leather, but I doubt it. Vinyl? Perhaps. All of my furniture is purchased with this criteria: how will it look with a cup of coffee spilled on it? Or tea? Or soup? I bought it from JC Penney's decades ago. It's lasted forever without showing a bit of wear. 

For some reason most of the authors I know are just fascinated by the methods used by other writers. How long do they write, where do they write, etc. We are all searching for Dumbo's feather. Some magic formula or method that will make the process easier. It ain't going to happen. 

I'm amazed at the variety of paths taken to produce books. My own struggle to come up with material that's marketable or fit to read (not always the same thing) has involved a great deal of stealth. When my children were little I got up at 4:00 in the morning. My husband was driving a truck for National Beef and like a good wife I got up to fix him breakfast. It's a cultural thing. That's what rural wives did back in those days. 

Much to my amazement, I found that I had the energy of a little squirrel at 4:00 and nobody, not my kids, not my community, not even God, wanted a thing from me at 4:00. So I kept this habit for quite a number of years, even after Don had moved on to another job. 

Early on I developed a quota system. Five pages a day, five days a week. To accomplish this I learned to write anytime, anywhere, and under any circumstances. Didn't matter. In between numbers at music festivals, emergency rooms, on a bench at a softball game. Whatever. To save myself and the children embarrassment, and appear "normal" I learned to get at it "my work" very quickly, so I wouldn't have to tote it around to strange places.   

After Don bought the truck line and our children left home, my sleeping/waking hours mirrored his. When I became involved in the business, our hours were identical. Through the years my quota changed to a one page minimum and included a great deal of non-fiction.

Now I get up at 6:00. Since I'm in the first draft phase of my latest mystery, I curl up in my chair and am writing this particular book in longhand. I don't know why I'm using such an old-fashioned method, but I am. 

I have a dedicated office with a fast internet connection and a huge monitor. When I transfer the manuscript to the computer, I love the luxury of being able to edit it instantly. 

A friend was recently invited to contribute a non-fiction book to a series. She's thrilled. She plans to isolate a big chunk of time and get 'er done. This has never worked for me. It's what I want to do. Would love to do. Heaven knows I've tried it often enough. But when I do there's always some crisis. My allergies act up, something happens to my adult children or grandchildren, or a pet, or there's a plumbing problem. You get the drift. 

Now there is the relentless demand of social media and marketing. There's a proliferation of material I should be reading. Zoom calls and oodles of seminars. 

What works best for me is still the method I developed in the beginning: a certain number of pages five days a week whenever, wherever, and any time. Until I enter the hallowed halls of bestsellerdom and people bring me meals and whisper in my presence, I suspect that will always be the case. 


Thursday, June 03, 2021

Irons and Fires

Summer is off and running, and I have many irons in different fires this year. Writing, as always, is the fire that attracts all of my irons.

Personally, I’m about 150 pages into a novel I’m writing (and rewriting). That comes with keeping a journal in which I plot out where I’m going and ask questions about the story. The journal is where I solve the puzzle –– not so much as to how the book will end but rather how I’ll get from A to Z. I know the who and the why, but the journal is a great place to think through the road I’ll travel as the book progresses.

Another iron has led me to call on my Type M colleagues: I’m leading a summer program for young writers, and have several Type M authors offering mid-day Artist Talks, which I am thrilled about and grateful for. In addition, as I have for the past 20+ years, I’m heavily involved in the Advanced Placement English Language program this summer, grading the AP English Language and Composition Exam and leading two AP Summer Institutes for English teachers.

Through all of these endeavors, I have stumbled upon a book that I think anyone teaching writing ought to read, Craft in the Real World, by Matthew Salesses. If you’re teaching a writing workshop, it’s a game-changer, especially if you attended an MFA program and lead workshops. If you simply want a new lens through which to view the way Western and non-Western literature is structured, it’ll open your eyes. It certainly has opened mine.

I hope everyone’s summer is off to a great and safe start.






Wednesday, June 02, 2021

Teaser and Sample Chapters

 

I recently picked up a book I originally had no intention of reading. I’d seen the cover, read the back of the book copy and decided it wasn’t for me. Until it was... 

Here’s what happened:

I picked up a Kindle edition of the latest Eli Marks mystery (The Magic Square by John Gaspard). I really enjoy this series about a professional magician solving murders so was happy to see there was another book for me to read. I enjoyed the book and was ready to close it when I noticed the author had included the first four chapters of his book, The Sword and Mr. Stone, at the end.

Generally, I ignore those teaser chapters at the end of books, mostly because they’re usually the first chapter of the next book in the series. By the time I finish a book, I’ve decided whether or not I intend to read the next one so those sample chapters mean nothing to me. But this time, it was for a different book, one I’d been curious about, but had rejected as not my thing.

For some reason, I decided to read those four chapters. I enjoyed them so much that I bought the book to see how the story ended. So, this time, those teaser chapters did their job and I ended up buying a book I had previously decided not to buy.

I’m pretty sure this is the first time that I’ve bought a book based on teaser chapters at the end of a book. I do occasionally download a sample of the beginning of a book from Amazon when I’m deciding whether or not to buy a book, but that’s pretty rare and usually for non-fiction books so I can see what’s in the TOC. From there I decide if the book is what I was looking for. If I were in a brick and mortar bookstore, I’d be flipping through the book to get a sense if I wanted to buy it. For fiction, I might read the first page to see if I liked the characters or the author’s writing style.

I read a couple interesting blog posts on these teaser chapters that brought up points I hadn’t thought of. In this one by Elizabeth Spann Craig she noted that, when reading an ebook, these teaser chapters can make her think she has more of the book to read than she does. She also notes that a reader could be annoyed that the teaser chapter is for a book that hasn’t been released yet and might not be for many months.

In this one by Jami Gold she noted that there were circumstances when she read the excerpt for the next book in the series, it ruined the satisfied feeling she’d gotten at the end of the book she’d just read. She was all happy about the ending and the teaser chapters indicated that things weren’t as hunky dory as it appeared. This particular book was a paranormal romance. She noted: “However, if the next book unravels the end of the arc of the current book, we’re messing with the reader’s memory of this book.” I don’t think this is a problem with mysteries because they usually include a different crime. Each book is usually self-contained so they can be read out of order.

This got me wondering what other people think of those teaser chapters. For the ones at the end of a book, do you ignore them or read them? Do they annoy you? Has reading them ever resulted in you buying the book that was previewed? Has it ever ruined things for you?

What about those samples you can download from Amazon? Do you ever use that option to see if a book is for you?

Tuesday, June 01, 2021

Something to brighten your day

By Rick Blechta

I’m pressed for time this week, so I’m going to share a joke that should make everyone smile (or even LOL) and is one all writers will appreciate. I may have told it here before, but it was so long ago now, who cares?


It goes like this…


A writer dies and finds himself (or herself, take your pick!) at the Pearly Gates. It was very busy that day and St. Peter is pressed for time.


When the writer finally reaches the front of the line, St. Peter tells him, “I can’t take time to go through your earthly record right now, so I’ll tell you what. How about you visit heaven for writers and hell for writers, then you come back and tell me where you’d like to spend eternity. Deal?”


Confused, the writer agrees.


Following directions, he goes down a path and finds an elevator. The only choice of floors is down or up, so he presses the down button.


Down, down, down goes the elevator, and when the doors finally open, the writer finds himself in a long hallway with doors on each side. He inquires about hell for writers and is directed to a door on the left. Arriving there, he goes in.


The room is vast and filled with rows and rows of benches. Chained to the benches are writers, each one furiously typing while the heat of a thousand suns burns down on them and demons whip them mercilessly.


There’s someone standing by the door and the writer approaches him. “Tell me, does this go on every day?”


“Yes. Day and night for all eternity.”


The writer quickly leaves and goes back to the elevator, quickly gets in and presses the up button.


Up, up, up goes the elevator and when the doors open once again he finds himself back in heaven. Stopping someone, the writer asks for directions to heaven for writers. Following them, he soon finds himself at another door.


Going in, he finds himself in another vast room filled with rows and rows of benches. Chained to the benches are writers, each one furiously typing while the heat of a thousand suns burns down on them and demons whip them mercilessly.


Totally confused, the writer beats a hasty retreat and walks back to the Pearly Gates. It’s much less crowded now and he waits in line patiently.


When he again approaches St. Peter’s desk, he asks, “Sir, I am very confused. I visited heaven and hell for writers as you requested, and well, they’re both absolutely identical.”


St. Peter looked down kindly. “No, my son, they are not. Up here you get published!”


______________________


My thanks to John Lawrence Reynolds who told me this joke originally over a post-conference libation or two.